Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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