Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
