I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
