Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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