god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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