and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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