I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just sent this text using only my big toe
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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