I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
