My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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