He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
