wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
