I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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