Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
