it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
