Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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