I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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