So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
