I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
