you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
