Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
