am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
