My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wish my penis had a tongue
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
