between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
