:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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