When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
