the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
