I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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