Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
