Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize