So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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