Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
