I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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