Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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