I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There r osticjed everywhere
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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