I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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