A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
