i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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