If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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