Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
