I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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