corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
