Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
