the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
