Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
