it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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