... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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