I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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