I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
love makes seman taste better
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize