I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
