just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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