I got chris browned last night
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
