Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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