dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
