If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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