I'm lost and stupid without you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
