When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
And then he peed in my hair
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