If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
