He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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