i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Panties = found
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
