Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
