Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
