Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
