i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
