i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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