I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
