Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
