I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Randomize
