beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His hands were made for my vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
