i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
