If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
