I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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