I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
