Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
